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Dagger

Sometimes I really feel that I'm losing my consciousness. Am I a boy or a girl? Mentally-ill or sane and sound? I can't believe in the things that arrive to me. I am in quest for my Ideal, Beauty maybe because I feel ugly or abhorrent. 

I despise myself but people think that I am narcissistic when I speak of my torments. Are not we all subject to doubt, failure, self-hate, distress faced to the world that surrounds us ?  Isn't it universal?

I am sure that everybody can feel what I express. Am I better than others? No, of course but I am proud enough to tell my sufferings in a country that rejects me.

It threw me away, so it gotta have to pay. I've never been given any chance to be, so I won't cease to exist, to cry and to scream till France does recognize the harm that has been done to me.

I ask for answers in a labyrinthic world, a world forsaken by a God who never did exist but in the minds of sheep. I have so much suffered. Am I guilty just to wanna be myself? Totally and differently?

I have been so misjudged, so harmed. I am hurt just like a dagger had pierced my heart. Inside of me, I am a black Virgin, the same as the Haitian worship as Erzulie. She had her tongue cut so she can't reveal the ceremony of Bois-Caïman organized by slaves who had decided to be free at last.

I could not have a child: I could not bear that it suffers the same as I did. If I had something to say to women, it would be pierce your womb so the baby will not be damned. Only you are responsible for your misdeeds, don't offer it this poisonous gift that's life.

Yet, it's a message of love, the greatest thing you can do to save your child, it is to kill it before it has born.

I truly understand the women who decide to abort, it's a wise decision and they shall not be judged.

Brian Vane,

the Artist formerly known as Brahim Megherbi